FEELINGS OF MY MOM

This week I had committed to volunteering at a nursing home that was filled on one floor with dementia patients. I questioned myself why I was doing this, and thought of cancelling. My thoughts of course were about my mom who suffers with Alzheimer's disease . I did not truly understand why I would place myself in such an atmosphere, that would only bring up my feelings about my own mother. Yet I felt that since I made the commitment I needed to live up to it and at least go this one time.

Approaching the building I felt a heaviness and took a deep breath as I proceeded to go inside. I would be assisting with the piano player who also sings to the patients. I know how much joy singing brings to my mom, and I thought that it would be giving back, to perhaps bring some joy into others lives.

As I sang along, I was touched by a lovely lady who sat directly next to the piano player. I was told that she did not really speak anymore, yet each week she came to here him sing and play. I witnessed her starting to come alive and watched as the melody came out of her lips. Our eyes connected as I sang the melodies. I smiled at her and her lips seemed to smile back. She reminded me of my mom, as tears slowly filled my eyes. I wondered what if anything she might have been feeling?

I thought about my own mom, and wondered what at moments does she feel? Feelings that she can no longer really express, because the moment after they are felt, they just seem to vanish. Although, as of now my mom still has some life left. Today she did ask me when I would be coming to see her, and expressed how very much she missed me.

This sweet lady that I briefly met this week deeply touched me. I had this warm feeling of just wanting to take her in my arms, as I so often wish to do with my own mom. And then to tell her not to worry, that everything will be okay. I realized that one day, and I do not know when, this could be my mom. That her Alzheimer's will eventually win, and rob her of all that she still has left.

Just as I was leaving this sweet lady whispered to me thank you, and we both smiled, as I gently kissed her on her cheek, and once again tears for my mom swelled in my eyes.

Leaving to go home I had such a yearning to be able to see my mom and to hold her and touch her. I shared this with my husband later that evening and for the rest of the night and into the next morning I had an overwhelming sadness, and wondered what my mom, and this lady were doing at this very moment.

Maybe deep down what I really want is for my mom to be able to hold me and squeeze me and tell me that everything will be alright. Perhaps, like the picture, I just want to be that little girl again and have my mom take care of me. As we know life does not go backwards and my feelings of wanting to be protected and cuddled by mom can no longer exist. So as each day goes by, I can hold on to all that we have left and remember all the special moments of my childhood.

http://mommyhero.blogspot.com/2012/06/she-really-makes-me-smile.html